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1:08 AM -- 2004-09-24
New Employee BORE-ientation and Sexual Harassment Seminar the other day

So I had to go to a Sexual Harassment seminar the other day...


I would've traded the 8 hours pay I made, for a fruitless day of Zelda gaming. For real. I know you would too, man... because this was bogus with a capital B.

I knew things were going to get rough when I had to be there at 9am.

"Bullshit," I said.

"Not really," said the boss. "Its mandatory. And in fort worth. Be there... If you still want to keep your job and these mad benefits we be throwing your way."

Now I'm all about keeping my job... and he was right... the 401K is pretty decent. So I made plans to get up at 7am the next day.

7am might not seem like much to the average workforce... but its pure horror to someone like me who barely stirs before the crack of noon. And it didn't even dawn on me until the shuffling through 8am traffic that I was going to miss Days of Our Lives later on that afternoon.

"Fucking bullshit."

Preparing for freeway bottlenecks I couldn't even fathom, I left with a nice hour padding on the clock. But to my surprise, I was in the parking lot of this training facility (some kind of off-putting Half Price Books Headquarters) early. Not just a little early either... more like 40 fucking minutes early.

"A perfect opportunity to smoke a bowl," says I.

But a tap on my window completely ruined the mood.. and just as I was about to get my smoke on. The chick who was heading up this shindig used to manage the store I work at.. and ever since she got this new job up top... a big ol power trip came with it. But at the same time, she's like that awkward-type friendly... the type you want to squirm away from asap.

"Hey, Lauren! Do you want to come inside and wait?"

I should add that I was in mid-rummage for that sack of grass in my purse... so obviously any kind of tap on my window... friendly or not, was quite rattling.. and not welcome at 8:20 in the goddamn morning.

"Uhhh... nah, thanks.. I'm just going to have some breakfast here and finish listening to the morning show." (since when did I ever listen to a fucking morning radio show?!!)

Goddammit, marijuana... the things I do to protect you.

I didn't get to smoke at all... thanks to an early morning freak out. Another reason I knew it was going to be a rough ass day.

So in the period of those 40 minutes, I got to watch all the people file in the door... basically getting a chance to see what kinds of chum-chums I was going to spend the day with.

There's about 15 different Half Pr$ce Books stores in the metroplex, and all of them send their trainees to this HQ of sorts to get fitted with electro-collars and such. I was about to meet these sort of people and find out that this was not only a mandatory sexual harassment seminar, but also a new employee orientation.

Yea, I know... I've been working here for a while now... but non of my stoner bosses got around to sending me to this mandatory bullshit til they were cleaning out the back office and my paperwork was found behind the copier. Go fucking figure... and here I am with all these goddamn spring chickens... listening to shit I already know.... going through the motions.

So it was about 9 of us... all having to sit around this board-room type table.. all from other stores... strangers to everyone else in the room.... awkwardly looking down into a packet of papers before each of us... no one wanted to be here today... in fact, I think everyone wanted to be home playing Zelda. Strangers around a table at 9am is never fun.. no matter where you are.

That being said... not a soul talked... especially during Question and Answer time. There's nothing more excruciating than hearing silence after: "Does anyone have any questions?"

Jesus, move on for chrissake.

(is that too many Jesus references for one sentence, I wonder...)

But there was that one person who refused to be silent. And I knew there was going to be one in this group... I had this bastard pegged from the moment I walked in late.

You know the type... loud mouth, thinks he knows more than the people running the show. And this obnoxious motherfucker had to sit next to me.

Let me set this up for you: Big guy... in his 50's... wearing a tae kwon do shirt which I later found out was the dojo he owned, kept asking the most assinine (sp?) questions on the face of the planet. And just about everyone in the room was sick of his shit within the time frame of about 30 minutes.

Did I mention I was stuck next to this guy?

You can't imagine how thrilled I was whenever she paired us up for group exercises... that fucking guy drove me crazy. I was so close to showing this guy the bottom of my shoes, it wasn't even funny.

So ol Smitty here kept prodding the heads of the department about a certain situation at his store which in his mind was on the verge of getting violent. Apparently they've got this crazy fucking coming 'round who's a live wire and scares the shit out of alot of people. So my ol buddy Smitty wants to know if he can "do anything about it".

And that was the first time he asked about it.

District Manager: "Well, you should call the police, man."

Smitty: "Well what I want to know is... can I lay this guy out?"

District Manager: (a little freaked out) "Uhhh... no. You would most definitely get fired for that, Smitty. If some fellow gets violet, you call the police. That simple."

Smitty: "Yea, but what if this guy is trying to harm one of my fellow employees... like if he came after someone like this little girl here (motions over at me.) Then can I punch this guy out?"

District Manager: "Well, I'm sure she wouldn't just stand there."

Me: "Damn right."

Smitty: "What if he tries to kill one of my fellow employees?"

District Manager: "What?! Okay, man... some guy tries to kill one of your fellow employees, you do whatever makes you feel comfortable. We will fire you though, Smitty."

By the downcast look on his face... I knew that wasn't the answer Smitty wanted. Kinda sad.

Let it be known that during this banter.... there were 7 other new employees in the room listening and completely freaked the fuck out.

So that was a big part of my day.... the lunch was bullshit because my only option was a grilled cheese sammich. Fucking catering. (I never thought I'd ever have to say that.)


Unfortunately, I'm not confident that Smitty is going to be with the company for very long. Its a hunch.

Goddammit.... humans are so bullshit.

and ultimately hilarious.


The Ninja, is signin off..



Sa Da Tay!