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1:18 AM -- 2004-04-26
The Ninja, and the Art of Shoplifting

10 days and no word? Shit I feel like such a asshole.

Anywho... I start work tomorrow at Half Price Books... and yet I find myself gabbing into this rag when I should be getting some professional sleep.

But to the meat of the matter. Tonite I want to talk about the wonderful world of shoplifting. Its probably one of the most rewarding hobbies I've had in a while... as I'm bound to the PG-13 world of Dallas suburbia right now. But hey.... it is what it is, right?

Here's the thing I can't understand about people who get busted for shoplifting. Why the fuck would you walk out of a store with noticable scanners with merchandise that still has the fucking tag on it? It just seems so stupid and avoidable to me. Bare bones, I see it like this... the only thing keeping you for getting stuff you didn't buy is a barcode on a fucking piece of paper attached to it. Seems pretty fucking easy to get rid of such a small and disposable thing such as a pricetag. Sometimes its harder... like with those plastic disks attatched to clothing, but I imagine with the wonderful world of underground crime, you can obtain an tool that can pop the sucker off. But we're talking about small shit here. And small shit... is very very very easy to rip off.

Did I mention, petty theft is really really simple? Granted you have the basics down, of course. This is what I've come up with so far.

THE NINJA AND THE ART OF SHOPLIFTING

1. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. This one is a fairly obvious guidline. Know what store employees look like (ex: those wonderfully sexy blue vests of the Walmart employee.) Most minimum wage workers wont give a fuck, but you always need to be prepared for some billy-bob badass who wants to catch a thief like some sherrif in a border town.

Its very easy to avoid employees, however the most important one is that nasty thorn in a shoplifter's shoe.. our friend the surveilance camera. From the corner mirrors in convinience store to those ominous black orbs floating from the ceiling at Walmart... about two hundred of them waiting to catch your every move. What you need to know is... no matter how many cameras a store has... every one has a blind spot. Do this carefully... you never want to stash an item in your bag and turn around to see one of those bitches staring at you in the face. I really freaked out once when lifting a bottle of yoohoo. Try walking the aisles and check out places like behind the fire extinguisher posts, or even between aisles... some cameras dont even cover that. Precision is the key... and being swift about it is too. Do not linger, my fellow criminals.

2. DON'T LOOK GUILTY. at least til you make it to your car. Alot of criminals make the mistake of losing their cool, and almost always get busted. Acting nonchalant is the way of a sucessful criminal of any crime. For instance, if you find something you like, but don't want to pay for it... walk around with it for a while, look at other stuff while you twist off the pricetag. Once you are free from any kind of barcode that will sound off those vicious alarms, slip it into your jacket pocket or purse very quickly and make it seem like you are doing something else like picking up a pair of socks with the other hand. Of course, creativity is a bonus here... and the sky is the limit on how you can conceal the goods. No one will think you are a thief if you don't look like you stole anything. Its the most important rule to a beginner.

3. DON'T GET COCKY. This is how career thieves get busted 90% of the time. They think they are so good that even the most seasoned veteran can make a very careless mistake. Don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach, so to speak. Everything of course is concievable to steal, but the bigger the fish... the craftier a fisherman need be to reel a fucker in. Okay, so I'm no Confucius and that made no sense, but I think you get where I'm going here. Don't be an idiot.. and don't fuck around when it comes to doing something illegal.

A humble thief is a good thief. You may be good... but not that good. There are some fellas in the pen that can tell you that.

Well those seem to be the basics. Now that you know how to steal things, its important to know why and where to steal things.

WHY SHOPLIFT?? I'll tell you why to shoplift. Because I think its fucked up to pay 6 bucks for a tube of mascara. I think its fucked up that all these fatcats are shitting money while I'm paying through the nose for handsoap. Its about time that we take back as consumers, and even things out a bit. If you don't think a price is fair, what can you do LEGALLY about it? Not a damn thing except take the ass-raping THE MAN is giving ya. So I say if you say that something is outrageously over-priced... then fuck... don't pay it! Boost that shit and blow ol Wally World a kiss on your way out the door. This a revolution motherfucker... so you make due on that five finger discount... and do it with vigor.

WHERE DO I SHOPLIFT?? Of course I'll be public and say that I can't walk out of Walmart without something I didn't pay for. Hell I think its a crime not to steal from that obese motherfucker. Fair game is also any store thats big enough to host a prom. Big store=Corporate ass rape. The most pleasing one I've been to lately is the shoplifter's paradise Durlington Coat Factory... yea, its with a B, I know... but I'll cover my bases in case for some oddball reason some asshole googles it up. Anyways, this place is too big for any employee team to have covered, and there are no cameras.... no fucking cameras. They carry decent merch too... just remember they are notorious for selling coats that are made with dog fur.

WHERE NOT TO SHOPLIFT? Don't be a scuzzbucket and steal from resale or Goodwill stores. We're after the big boys... not the people who really need our business. Anyone who shoplifts from a thrift store might as well be stealing porridge from orphan's mouths. Its redundant too... why steal something that's already been sold at some point? Pony up the 5.50 and buy those vintage levis, asshole.

I think that about does it for me... in one hour I've managed to grandstand on my soapbox and divulge crime secrets... and it feels nice.

Happy hunting, motherfuckers!

The Ninja, is signing off...

Sa Da Tay!