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5:38 AM -- 2004-01-19
Romance 101

Whilst checking my email, I stumbled upon this article on hotmail... 4 SIGNS YOU'RE READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Normally, I would've opted for an concussion, than reading some shoddy romance advice from some 30-something weirdo with a degree in a psychology correspondence course she got off a tv commercial. However, for whatever reason, I hit the link and I have for you this precious advice not unlike a, "IS YOUR MAN REALLY MEANT FOR YOU?" quiz..

Of course, with my two cents thrown in at the end...

Have you come to expect any less from me?

ARE YOU READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP (mind you, I'm missing Footloose to do this shit.. be amazed.)

When you're single, you can check out sexy new companions like they're canapés on a smorgasbord. Dine with an investment banker on Sunday, a drummer on Monday, and a pastry chef on Tuesday, and it's nobody's business but yours. Still, a time may come when even a wealth of choices is not enough. Deep down you're hungry for a more substantial connection.

How do you know when you've moved past looking for a friendly diversion with an attractive playmate to wanting something deeper? (never.) Here are four really good signs:

1. Celebrity slippage (this is fucking disgusting.. be warned)

Have you found yourself starting to examine the real-life relationships of movie stars or music idols who used to make you drool? Do you find yourself secretly questioning their overgrown adolescent lifestyles, or their romantic connections that last as long as a sneeze? If high-maintenance show ponies have started to look less appealing, and you're starting to see beauty in quirky co-stars who are more settled down and grown-up, something is happening to you.

(Alright, if you find yourself wound up in Ben and Jen, or moreover, any couple you see on tv and don't know personally... shoot yourself in the foot. I've shot my mom in the shin for behaving like this. If you find people on tv more interesting than you, then dammit take it as a sign to do something cool. Rob a bank for fuckssake, if you go to jail, at least you'll have the benefit that you aren't a boring ballsac. At the very least go for a walk and buy a crazy flavored slushie... just so long as you aren't in your house festering over if Schwimmer is going to marry Aniston this week on Friends. Fuckin' A.)

2. Nesting instinct

Have you been getting the urge to buy your own home, or fix up the one you rent? If you've been hoping to have someone to bake a pie for or you're suddenly planting flowers, then you might be getting the hearth-and-home nesting instinct. All that's missing from your domestic picture is a real mate.

(Just because I have a desire to change my homeless status, or clean up after myself, doesn't mean I wanna get hitched. None of which will probably ever happen. God I can't believe I'm forgoing Footloose for this.)

3. Reciprocity

When dating is only about diversion and amusement, it tends to be more selfish. If we're not in it for the long run, we don't much worry about how our date feels the morning after. But when we're starting to hunt for the real thing, life gets more complicated. Now it's become a two-way street. It's no longer just "gimme," but also "what can I do for you?"

(Hey! Wanna stop being selfish?? That means you need a man! Hot damn! Oh man... for the love of God, none of you should be taking any of this seriously.)

4. Romantic radar

When you're starting to be open to a real relationship, you can spot romantic cruisers and heart bruisers. Now you respond to their come-ons by walking away. If you've lost patience for flirtatious overtures from good-looking numbers who are hooked up, married, and generally unavailable, it's a pretty good sign that you're on the lookout for someone special to call your own.

(Fabulous... all of a sudden you can avoid creeps and unpleasant date-rape scenarios with your super human "romantic radar"...)

Are you showing signs of wanting your own real relationship, but don't know where to look? Online is a great way to find sincere singles hoping to meet someone special. Start a quick search and get started today!

(Ah Ha! I knew it! A ploy to get us lonely hearts to join a club with a small fee and meet other lonelies on the web... damn you, romance quack... and for shhhhame.)

Thats right... I'm missing Footloose... and I'm about to go enjoy the movie, but I need a recap.

If you're really ready for a relationship or a soulmate, you don't need a quiz with 4 signs to tell you. Just as long as you get off your couch and go out frequently, and have the ever-powerful faith, you'll find someone uber special. Just know that it wont happen if you don't get out and meet tons of people.

The best things find you, not vice versa... and you can't be looking for them when they come along. Besides it'd be a fantastic surprise... Amore, she's an elusive and eccentric little bitch.

And if that doesn't placate you, then just look at me, I'm solo and I'm kickass... testimonial, sucka-jones.

Fuck it, I'm going to watch Footloose.

The Ninja, is signing off..

Sa Da Tay!