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12:55 AM -- 2005-02-28
I've got your oscar right here, screwhead.

Ninja always says: "Take your downers with your uppers!"

keep the keel even, steven.

Well I caught very little of the oscars, but enough to garner high props at the watercooler.... if I did the whole watercooler bit. But some very funny things happened tonite, and I suppose I can talk about those. I do have a few issues to get out of the way too.

The best song part of the show was kinda fucked up.

Horribly embarrassing... but Prince can't read. He totally choked presenting best song award. Who'da thought teleprompters would give the artist such mad trouble? I guess it'll learn ya to present alone. Priceless, the look on his face... a combo of "what 'the artist' doesn't read human words?!" and "backstage someone's going to lose a nut after this." A lil confusion, and a lil rage in a lil pixie-faced package. I love it.

"Al Otro Lado Del Río" of the Motorcycle Diaries won.... and to think I was close to putting cash on the Shrek theme. I hate to keep fucking with Prince.... but that cat butchered the shit out of the spanish language. I sure hope I wasn't the only one to noticed how the camera panned to just about every latino or latina in the room, even the european ones! As this guy is making his way up to the stage, the camera hits on Selma Hayek, Banderas, Penelope Cruz, and with any luck... that bastard Diddy.

Academy award... victory in the latino struggle??

beats the hell outta me.

Man, I gotta say though... Banderas was layin' it down on the mic. Fabulous. He's a latino treasure.

Anyways.... so Jamie Foxx took it home. My gramma is a huge Jamie Foxx fan, and while he was on his way to the stage, she said, "If he starts talking about his grandmother, he's gonna cry." Then lo and behold, he talked about his grandmother, and he did cry. It was cute.... but more importantly, brief. I don't care how many big shot awards you win... you'll always be Wanda to me, baby.

Its a safe assumption that hanging out with Sean Penn would be a buzzkill and a half. Debbie-downer mother fucker.... I didn't see Chris Rock's monologue, but apparently he made a comment along the lines of "who is Jude Law anyways?".... then later on in the show... Penn's all like, "to answer the question by our host, Jude Law is one of the fantastic actors we celebrate... yadda yadda, blah." Defending someone else's street cred.... not as cool as he thought it would sound. Looks like Spicoli needs to pull last year's oscar from his ass and chug some demerol.

take it easy, greasy.

I'll rap this up quick. Best Dressed: Selma Hayek... tons of others looked fabulous, but I've had it up to my eyeballs with excessively thin actresses. I know its so cliche to bag on hollywood, because thin is definitly in... nothing wrong with it... but I could pick out a few that its obvious that their weight (or lack there of) is intentional. I don't see it as the huge problem fussy feminists squawk about... but just as tacky as gauche jewelry. For me, its a fashion issue, not a social issue...

For pete's sake feminists... take Sean Penn's oscar from your ass, and put on some fucking lipstick.

Worst Dressed: Johnny Depp. Looking more like a kook everyday. I think Brian Setzer is looking for some mad royalties on that blue head-to-toe getup. Valliant effort... but pulling off the ecentric is a dicey game. Must've gotten his real suit swapped at the cleaners with the drummer of a hotel lounge band. Still doesn't explain the black/white two tone shoes. Sooooo high school prom-wear.

On the nitpicky note... I am sick and tired of Zellwigger showing up in Carolina Herrera strapless gowns... how boring and hokey can this chick get??

I think next year I'll skip the awards and wait for someone to hit me up with the cliff's notes. Condense that shit down like a juicer, and save my punkass alot of time.

I can't wait until I have real things to talk about. These off-days when all I can do is bag on celebs are reminders of the hell suburbia embodies.

Honestly if it weren't for the drugs, I would've already gouged out my eyes with a cold melon baller in the midst of some stir-crazy fit.

Looks like a level 4 addiction for the Ninja these days.

Signing off...

Sa Da Tay!